10:05

This is being written just on impulse from another huge change that is going to be happening in my life very shorty here.

I am the  kind of person to hold my true emotions and feelings in, as much as I consult in my friends and tell them basically every detail of whats been going on in my life, The only parts of the stories they’re missing is how I’m feeling, It’s partly because I don’t know how to express these inner thoughts and emotions into an outward source, but mainly because I don’t want someone to tell me how to deal with something, maybe in a way I am not comfortable in proceeding with.

The move here was great, such a positive thing in my life,  but right now I am feeling very similar to the way I felt when I was still in Winnipeg.

Right now I am really hurting. It’s a mix of so many things, some smaller, some larger. One of the bigger ones being my dad leaving me again. I know it sounds terrible when I say it like that, but in all honesty, that’s the technical truth. It feels like as soon as I mend a relationship, get close with someone, or more so get attached they just bail. And they don’t know how seriously weak I am on the inside. I am really good at putting on a happy face and be able to still be comical relief over my own feelings, but it gets tough sometimes.

I have wonderful friends, people who support me and those idiots in my life that make it so much more interesting. There’s one person that I really wish was still as close to me as before, and although I wish it, chances are slim that that person would walk back into my life the way they were before. As sickning as the word is, it would be nice to have that comfort again.

hello, can you hear me??

SOOOOOOO! A few months, or whatever, have gone by since my last super upsetting post, and all I can do right now is just laugh at how silly it all was. I hate cliches, and bubbly sayings that are supposed to make one feel better, but looking at the previous posts to where I am now make the cliches all more real. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Life goes on.

I’m loving everything right now. The sun is shinning, I have more freedom than ever, I love all the people I’ve met (here in Saskatoon, and everyone I left back home in Winnipeg). Although I love majority of the people in Winnipeg, there are a few that I’ve grown to care less about, but it’s wasted time to fix it, or fall into their games. All in all, I’m in a very grand situation right now and I’m super excited for the summer, entourage, beach, and of course visiting Winnipeg for a bit!

cheater, cheater.

damn! well thats not cool :P still wishing id die hey? k, well i see emailing you back was a HUGE mistake lol.. umm just to let you know.. i dont owe you anything. but so you DO know.. you werent nothing too me.

you left me to try other guys… not the other way around :P so dont go pointing fingers. and yeah im allowed to find someone else when you leave.. im not going to sit around and dwell.. and i TOLD you that. and even begged for you back. but w.e shit happens and im loving the single life.. not having to worry about anyone.

every goddamn object is a reminder

It doesn’t even hurt; the fact that you’re not in my life anymore. I’m dealing quite fine in that sense.

The thing bugging me the most is the lack of knowledge you have of how hurt I am. How damaged I feel. There’s no sincere apology, there’s not even some smart ass ‘oh, whatever, sorry’. No recognition that I did absolutely nothing wrong, and that I didn’t deserve this pain. No one does. This is brutal. It’s all I’ve seen, all I know; relationships fail. My mom was cheated on.. and my asshole dad is still with the woman. You leave me and you’re back with her! You’re right.. you don’t deserve me. The only two people you deserve include the chick you were always hoping to be with in the end (I was the 9 month freaken rebound), and an ex friend of mine that know’s she’s going to hell.

I hurt, so badly. .

And I don’t want to make it seem like I’m whinning, or asking for pity, all I want is to know that you know this is your fault, you’re choice, to hurt an innocent person, be controlling and have no feelings toward them after burning them.

I think about the person I lost, but then I realize.. he lost me.

I am that star up in the sky, I’m that mountain peek up high

I’ve felt so numb lately, although I’ve said I’m happy and smiling 24/7, I really feel numb. Sad song starts playing on iTunes while working on my homework (a picture book of a graduating speech, how ironic) and tears start going without any acknowledgement from my conscious mind. Tear hits the keyboard and it’s finally realized that I’m not completely numb. I can cry.

I’m so overwhelmed. This is normal when you’re leaving something familiar. People graduate every year. This is normal to the world, but it’s not a normal thing to one person. It’s not normal to me. I can barely believe it, and I can barely write down what’s going through my head because of the tears filling my eyes and blocking my view. I knew I was going to be emotional when graduating finally hit me, I didn’t expect it to be at 11 at night. Last school night ever.

I can’t even finish this right now..

.

I wish I could talk to you…

I wish, I was able to completely consult in someone again.

I wish I wasn’t such a bugger in your life and I could’ve changed myself, and you’d have faith in me.

I wish I realized what I wanted and needed a long time ago.

I wish I still loved you as a friend, I wish vice versa.

I wish I didn’t miss you as much as I do, if I wasn’t such an egghead this wouldn’t have ever happened.

I wish I could try…

In wish I could talk to you..

:’(

222222

I am not a completely bitter person. Venting to others is not always so soothing. Write it out…

>K,

Enough already. Enough with the pictures. Just friends.. rrrrrright. Well you will never be called a friend of mine. You actually disgust me, your fake attitude, complete stupidity, and your utter self-righteousness. You’re not that great. Ya, you have a pretty face, but that’s really as far as it goes. It all pure confidence, and honesty, I have been nothing but nice to you, and you’re a pure bitch back. Pull that gorgeous head out of your ass, and realize you are not perfect and you do piss people off. Think of your actions before doing. I’ll be civil, but you will ever be anything more than some snobby, attention whore to me.

hmp.

>I miss you but..

You’re a pussy.

just…

there are two ways to approach the situation. both ways possibly ending good or bad. one way being allowing it to end thus including closure, or allowing the situation to end providing closure to the past.

or just not approach it at all.

I love respones

‘you never make the first move’

too high of expectations man

grow a pair

you’re a fucking chick

you make me feel like I always need to appologize to you

fuck you